How do you know when a woman is coming on to you in a business situation? Let me tell you, from a woman’s point of view, it’s not nearly as often as you think.

My own personality has been described as bubbly, friendly, funny, amicable. I am intensely interested in people as a whole. I love to see who they are, what their opinion is, what they’re working through in their lives, where they’ve been; and I’m not afraid to approach and start the conversation.

As a twenty year this would get me into trouble all the time. I wasn’t too intense or forceful. I’m talking about merely strolling on up and starting a casual, friendly conversation like you would at any networking event.

Apparently any young woman who walks on up with a smile on her face and starts a conversation, even in a business environment, is probably coming onto you.

Here is where the ego games begin.

Apart from the minority who would simply converse, the man would generally do one of two things:

1 – look terrified and either run away (sometimes literally) or make over the top excuses. As an example, when I first walk in for a meeting I am greeted with “Hi-my-name-is- (insert man’s name here) -I-have-a-beautiful-wife-and-I-love-her-very-much.” followed by a broad grin and a hand extended ready for the handshake. In these cases it would be easy for me to look sideways out of the corner of my eyes and say “ooooooh-kay” but that would cause him to continue nervously tap dancing. So it’s up to my diplomacy to ignore this strange – but more common than you think – introduction and move the conversation on so he can feel at ease.

OR

2 – he reads my smile as a signal like a large green light over my head (or red, depending on how you see it) that now it is ok to do whatever he pleases i.e. flirt, touch or steer me towards the nearest available bed even though I look dazed and confused. Then, once I make it clear to him that was not my intention, he gets all offended. Not only is the personal connection lost in mutual awkwardness but the business relationship is stifled at the same time.

What’s a girl to do?

In my twenties this happened a lot. Luckily, now I am an old fart in my mid-forties, it doesn’t happen quite so often but, it still puzzles me how the only way to keep some men feeling safe is if I play the cold and serious person I am not.

A few weeks back I saw Samuel L. Jackson guest star on the Graeme Norton show. On filming love scenes he said something which reminded me of this same dilemma:

It’s sort of tough for us (male actors) too because you come in the room and you go
“So where can I touch you?
OK, where can I not touch you?
OK, um. I want to apologise now for getting excited.
Or, I wanna apologise now for NOT getting excited.”
Coz, you know, an actress can be upset either way and it’s like “Oh, I’m not your type, huh?”

So men, as you can never quite tell at the outset whether you’re reading the smile on that Business Woman’s face as friendly or sexual, why assume it’s sexual in a business setting?

Is it possible for women to be friendly just like a man and not be taken the wrong way?

Men get together and very quickly get chummy in familiar conversation. Why can’t a woman do that with you too?

I don’t know if it’s just an Australian/New Zealand thing for men to expect a woman to be either a lover or nothing at all. I do tend to find friendly business conversation flows more easily with European and American men.

I have a brain. I love conversation. I love to get to know what makes people tick. That’s why I choose the work I do.

Do I need to pretend to be something I am not? And will that put every man at ease anyway?

I doubt it.

I expect it will more likely give off the vibe that I lack integrity or have something to hide which would be more damaging than just being myself.

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